Ritual to Fred
First you adorn your altar with a can of Old Milwaukee, a remote control with fresh batteries, some used Q tips and some cinnamon oil. Wear a red feather boa, a french maid uniform, and biker boots. Wiggle your butt towards the alter 3x clockwise, and intone:
Oh Fred, the epitome of Fredness, help we Freds to become more Fred Like. We meek and mere mortal Freds wish nothing but to elevate our status to that of true Freds, and to this end we give you these offerings.
Guzzle 3/4 Old Milwaukee, belch and say Oh spirit of air, I belch in your direction. Please assist me with this lame and worthless quest.
Point the remote control, and flip through the channels until you find a commercial for toilet cleaner. Intone thusly: Oh spirit of water, I flush in your direction. Please assist me with this lame and worthless quest.
Raise the dirty Q tips over your head and invoke the spirit of earth thusly: Oh chunky dirty spirit of earth, I waggle my earwax in your direction. Please assist me with this lame and worthless quest.
Rub the cinnamon oil into your nostrils, and wait 2 seconds. Then run around in clockwise circles screeching: Oh fire, I burn in your general direction and screech ouchie ouchie. Please assist me in this lame and worthless quest.
Pour the rest of the Old Milwaukee up your nose and dry it with your feather boa. Continue with the ritual thusly:
"Gee, that feels much better. Now where was I? Oh Fred, as we are the clan of the name of Fred's Edge, and all of us have named ourselves thusly Fred, our Fredness is now confirmed. Now get lost and have a nice day."
Now finish the ritual with cheap beer and oreos that have been properly aged at least 1 year.